Airport Entertainment
by TheAmethystRiddle
Summary: House and Wilson kill some time at the airport, and learn some things about each other in the process. House/Wilson.


**I don't even remember where this came from. I just had this random idea, and... here it is. I don't own House or Wilson. If I did, they would _so_ be together.**

* * *

"Hey, Wonder Boy, let's play a game."

"What?"

House and Wilson sat among other disgruntled travelers in the obscenely uncomfortable chairs they have at airport terminals, waiting for the weather to clear up enough that they could either get on the flight or catch a taxi back to the hotel. They had been at one of those stupid (in House's learned opinion) parties that donors throw to meet the people they donated to and show off how rich they are, and they hadn't counted on the weather getting this bad. House was down to his last four Vicodin, and he was bored. Not a good combination.

"I said, let's play a game."

"What kind of game? Because I can think of several games I wouldn't want to play with you. The first of which is spin the bottle."

"No, no. Nothing like that. Let's play a little game I like to call 'Date, Bang, Kill'."

"Uh…"

"Okay, good. I've got one for you: me, Cuddy, Cameron."

"Well, right now, I'd kill you, uh, date… Cuddy? And bang Cameron?"

House laughed in delight. "You really can learn things about people from this game."

"Okay, your turn-"

"Nuh-uh. New game."

"No way! You have to answer one, too! Me, Cuddy, Cameron."

House looked thoughtful for a moment, then said, "Well, I think I'd bang you-"

"What?"

"Well, I've already banged the other two, you see, and you know what they say about new experiences."

"No, actually, I don't."

"Well, neither do I, so can I finish what I was saying?"

"No, because there's got to be more of reason to why you want to bang me over Cameron!"

"Oh, _Cameron_. I thought you said Foreman. I'd still bang you, though. And I'd kill Cuddy, just for the job perks, and then I'd date Cameron to cover up our relationship."

Wilson's mouth was practically touching the floor, he was so shocked. "Let's play a different game." he said weakly.

"Okay!" House said cheerfully, undeterred. "Let's play, uh, I don't know what you call it. But you'll figure it out. How much would I have to pay you to, uh… bang one of your ex-wives?"

"A lot." Wilson said vaguely.

"No, no, real number values, now."

"Fifteen hundred bucks."

"For a one night stand with someone you were married to? Damn, you're expensive. How much to bang me?"

Wilson looked him up and down. "Just once, or regularly?"

"Ah, once. Just once."

"Two hundred fifty."

House's mouth dropped. He stared at Wilson in utter astonishment for a moment, then reached for his wallet. Wilson raised his hand.

"Just in theory. Your turn now."

"Nope. Maybe in a minute."

"Wait a second-"

"How much to strip naked and do a stupid dance on the clinic reception counter?"

"Either fifty grand or a bottle and a half of good whiskey. How much for you to go off Vicodin for a week?"

"Why are you always on about that?"

"Because I'm your friend and I want you off-"

"More like you want to off me. One thousand dollars."

"How much to go off it for a day?"

"One hundred dollars. How much to shut up about it once and for all?"

"Ten dollars."

"Seriously?"

"A day."

"Okay, never mind. How much… to rape Chase?"

"Oh… kay. A million dollars."

"And what if someone actually paid you to do it?"

"I'd either take the money and run, or just run."

"This is a boring game."

"You started it."

"Let's play another one."

"Oh, God."

"What would you do… if we slept together? Like, we don't know how it happened, but it did sort of thing."

"Why are _you_ always on about _that_?"

"I'm just curious."

"Yeah, that's what they all say."

"How would you know? Just tell me what you'd do."

"Apparently, I'd do you."

"You're so clever it makes me want to gag. But seriously."

"I guess… I'd obsess over it. And I guess I'd feel guilty, somehow. And I'd hate you for conning me into it."

"But you'd love me for banging you."

"Ah, no. Probably not."

"What if Chase and Foreman started banging ea-"

"Oh, no. No, no. Don't go any farther with that thought. That's just sick. I'd throw up. I'd have nightmares. I'd do anything to get it out of my head."

"And that would be the point at which I screwed you."

"Yeah, pretty much."

"What if Cameron asked you out?"

"I'd make it clear that even though I'm friends with you, I am not you. Thus I wouldn't date her."

"Shame. That'd be a nice wedding to crash."

"I wouldn't marry her!"

"Oh, face it. You're a marriage whore."

"I am not- fine. What would you do if you slept with Chase?"

"More importantly, what would _you_ do if I slept with Chase? I really do like his hair."

"If you screwed Chase, I would screw you."

"Seriously? Where is that pretty boy when you need him?"

"What if you screwed Foreman?"

"What if _you_ screwed Foreman? What if you screwed Chase? What if Cuddy arranged a New Year's party, and everyone drank so much alcohol we all screwed each other and the entire thing turned into a massive orgy?"

"How about a different game, House?"

Suddenly an extremely large woman came up to them. "Excuse me." she said. They both looked up. "May I sit there?" she asked, pointing to the chair (if you can even call it that) where all of House and Wilson's stuff was piled.

"Why? There's a chair right next to it. Or do you need both of them to fit?" House asked.

Wilson put a frantic hand over his mouth and hissed, "Shut up!" Turning back to the woman, he apologized, "I'm so sorry about this idiot. He's coming down off his meds. Vicodin withdrawal's a bitch, so if you could just humor him. Also, he's always like this." He smiled the famous dying-cancer-patients-love-me smile and turned back to House. "Help me." he commanded, and the two of them moved their things from the chair to the floor in front of them. The woman sat down, and Wilson was forced to move over several inches to give her enough room. House refused to budge, and by the time Wilson was out of the lady's space, he was practically sitting on House's lap.

"What would you do if _that_ screwed you?" House whispered conspiratorially. "And she was on top?"

Wilson shuddered, and House stifled a snort. "I'm pretty sure several bones would break, and then I'd suffocate." he whispered back, very careful to keep his voice below a decibel level where the woman in question could hear.

They sat like that for a minute or two, more in one another's space than either of them would normally allow, until House broke the (relative) silence.

"Okay, the sexual tension's killing me." he whispered, even more quietly than before. "What would you do if I screwed you right now?"

Wilson turned his head and looked House in the face, acutely aware of how close they were. "I'd let you do it, but then I'd let _her_ do me."

House grinned. "Good answer."

Suddenly a voice crackled over the intercom. "The weather has cleared out, so all delayed flights will now load passengers." There was a half-hearted cheer from the waiting crowd as people finished their lunches and prepared to board the planes. The large woman, completely unaware of the conversation that had been going on next to her, rose and made her was towards one of the terminal gates. House and Wilson stood as well, and they grinned together.

"Nothing like a little bit of male bonding time to occupy oneself." House said.

"That sounded so wrong."

"Yup."

They were halfway to the loading gate, having already deposited their things on the baggage line, when Wilson turned to House and said, "What are we gonna do if that lady is on our flight?"

House looked at him, mock horror plastered on his face. "We'll die! The plane will crash-land on some island in the middle of nowhere! We'll end up like the people off of _Lost_!"

Wilson laughed as they got in line to get on the plane. "If we're about to crash-land, I promise I'll screw you."


End file.
